It’s not my husband’s

Are you trying to figure out how you can keep an affair and this pregnancy a secret from your husband?  Will having an abortion meet your need of keeping your affair and your pregnancy a secret forever?

You have probably been wrestling with some of the challenges you would face if you  kept your affair a secret, but continued your pregnancy:

  • How will you deal with giving birth to a son or a daughter that does not resemble your husband?
  • How will you deal with potential legal issues from the biological father of this child (such as the relinquishing of his parental rights or child support issues)?
  • How will you deal with the constant fear that someday it will be discovered that your child’s DNA is not a match to your husband’s?

Aborting this son or daughter may seem to be the solution to your problems.  But….just for a moment….take FEAR out of the “driver’s seat.”   Take a few minutes  —  slow down.  Look closely at you, at your marriage, and then at your pregnancy.

The decision to look outside your marriage to fulfill your need for love, affection, understanding, and excitement, are clear signs that your marriage was having problems long before you became pregnant.

Perhaps you are wondering what you can do to heal your marriage.  Abortion adds more injury to your marriage and further complicates healing.  Abortion could actually cause fatal wounds to your marriage that are not recoverable.  But there is hope for you and your marriage.  Terminating a pregnancy brings more pain, more deceit, and more guilt.  The foundation of your marriage was built on trust.  Honesty, trust and sincerity will help start the healing. By starting this dialogue with your husband, you show respect this man you chose to share your life with.  His understanding may surprise you.

The best way to preserve your marriage is to face the challenges you are experiencing.   With the help of a counselor you can begin to uncover the real reasons for your unhappiness.   Working through your problems together can make your marriage stronger.  But you and your husband can’t work toward solutions if neither of you understand or are even aware of the problems.

Approaching your husband with the truth tells him that you trust him to hear you and to listen to the whole story that led up to this pregnancy.  It tells him that you still hold on to the hope that your marriage doesn’t have to end.

Having an abortion ends relationships….even marriages.  Did you ever think about how you would feel about your husband if you secretly had an abortion “for him?”  Did you ever think about the effects of carrying such secrets?  It’s a heavy enough burden to carry a secret about a past affair.  Adding the weight of a secret abortion is a load many people are unable to carry.

If, in working through this situation,  you and your husband cannot envision parenting this child together, there’s healing power for your marriage in making an adoption plan.

The circumstances of your baby’s conception does not determine her worth as a human being.  Treat your child with the love and dignity she deserves.  By doing so, you will begin to recognize your own lovability and dignity.

Related Questions:

Resources for an adoption plan include: for a Nationwide Pregnancy Counseling Hotline, or call 1-800-238-4269.

North American Council on Adoptable Children (NACAC)

National Adoption Center