He’s so angry and violent sometimes

Here’s the whole question:  How can I bring a baby into our home when I feel that my life is so out of control? Sometimes he’s very loving, but other times his irrational anger and violent behavior really frightens me.

Cycle of violence

You are right — your life IS out of control.  There is a name for what you are experiencing with him.  It’s called the Cycle of Violence. 

Phases of Cycle of Violence  (These phases are predictable)

  • The first stage is the tension-building phase.  He uses verbal and psychological assaults to threaten you and build up your stress.
  • The second stage is the explosion phase.  He carries out a violent act against you — almost always in private.  The “trigger” for this explosive anger can be anything he decides.  It’s not something you can ever control, or fix, or avoid, or make better.
  • The third stage is the calm period.  He tries to create hope in you with promises of his love.  He says he feels sorry for being violent.

    After the period of calm, he eventually begins to build his aggression again, and the cycle of violence repeats.  Over time, he will become more and more dangerous.  The violence occurs more frequently and increases in intensity.  This can lead to serious injury, even death.

  • He needs help to stop his abusive behavior.
  • You cannot help him.
  • He needs treatment from a professional therapist.
  • As long as you continue to remain in this abusive relationship with him, your life will be out of control.
  • Your baby is not the reason your life is out of control.
  • Having an abortion will not help to put the control you want and deserve back into your life.
  • If he won’t get professional counseling, you cannot stay in this relationship.
  • Contact your local Pregnancy Help Center for referrals for counseling for him and help for you.